Our (Love) Story

“It is not the nature of love to force a relationship, but it is the nature of love to open the way.” 

– William P. Young

In June of 2017, I ended a four year relationship with a college sweetheart. Returning to Arizona at summer’s end knowing that he wouldn’t be there to welcome me home was an uncomfortable truth. Yet, as July faded into August, I realized that, while still sad over the relationship’s end, I was okay. And I was ready for change. 

I tried online dating, but honestly didn’t enjoy it. I felt like I was forcing something that I wasn’t sure I even wanted. One evening, after a particularly horrible online date, a friend said to me, “Why don’t you just focus on the things YOU love to do right now. Build your community. Who knows? Maybe you’ll meet someone…”

Shortly after receiving that advice, I agreed to attend an REI sponsored climbing event with another friend of mine. As we approached the climbing site, an OSU Beavers logo caught my eye (a rare site in Arizona). It sat atop the tank top of a tall, dark, and handsome man who was shimmying a climbing harness up around his waist. 

“You have to talk to him”, my friend nudged me. 

Normally too shy to approach attractive guys, I recognized that his shirt was my “in”. What could it hurt? At the very least, maybe he’d become my new climbing partner. 

“Are you from Oregon?” I asked him. Hazel eyes peered through thick, long lashes, analyzing me slowly before responding with a brief, “Yeah.” A pause. Then, “Are you?”

That was five years ago. And now, that tall, dark, handsome man has asked me to be his wife. 

It is a beautiful love story. OUR beautiful love story. And still, our relationship has had its ups and downs. We have evolved, together, over time to land in this space where we co-exist now. 

For the first two years of our relationship we were caught in a dynamic of push and pull. I’d push for more, and as a result Daniel would pull back. I wanted to lay out a timeline for the progression of our relationship, and Daniel insisted that it must progress naturally. 

Over time, and through lots of communication, I have learned to release my hold, my need for control, a little bit. Daniel has learned to meet my need for a deep sense of security and love. 

The morning that Daniel proposed to me, as we stood upon a dock in Bellagio, Italy, overlooking Lake Como, is a morning that I hope to have frozen in my memory forever. Once the proposal had come and gone, and the emotions of excitement and elation subsided a little…I was met with a feeling of remorse. Remorse for all the time I had spent pushing in the early years. Why hadn’t I allowed myself simply to enjoy each stage of our relationship as opposed to pushing us into the next. I’d anticipated that proposal moment for so long, and now it was over. A chapter of our relationship had closed and a new one was beginning. With this realization I found myself crying. Both out of excitement for what is to come, but also grief over what I’d wished I’d valued more. 

As I wrote last week, I constantly find myself anxiously waiting for what is next, as opposed to grounded and content with what is now. That idea that what is next must somehow be more important than what is now. 

I can’t change how I showed up for this relationship in the past. I can however bring awareness to how I show up now and going forward. To support myself, my partner, and the health of our relationship. To fully enjoy “where we are now” all along the way. 

Last week I wrote out suggestions for maintaining a deeper level of presence within our own lives. This week I’ve related those to my relationship with Daniel. I hope that through reading my own insights you might be able to apply them to an important relationship in your own life. 

Planning the future ~

Daniel and I both are dreamers. We have big dreams for our careers, for where we want to travel, how we want to live, etc. And I love that we support this in one another. I want us to continue to set aside time to dream and plan our lives together. I want us to set aside that time and then return to THIS moment though. To enjoy where we are with work, where we live, and the experiences we are having now. 

Reflecting on the past ~

Daniel and I both are very reflective in nature. We also both can have a tendency to ruminate on past mistakes or failures, or to get stuck reminiscing on the “good old times”. It is important for us to acknowledge our growth as individuals and as a couple. To learn from past arguments. To treasure special memories. But, after such moments of reflection, we have to learn to leave it there and return to who we are now. To celebrate, and work with, that. 

Focusing on one thing at a time ~

When I think of how this pertains to my relationship, I think of allowing myself to focus on being engaged right now. To enjoy that. Not to get too lost in thoughts of our wedding or married life. I think of focusing and nurturing our relationship as it is now. Loving us both as we are showing up today. 

Notice your surroundings ~

I am taking the time to notice where we are in this phase of our relationship. Daniel and I are engaged. We are in a place of feeling ready to commit to a life together. Our relationship feels healthy, full of love, strong communication, and many shared passions. 

Enjoying where we are now ~

There has been, and is, so much beauty within each phase of our relationship. Right now I am loving being engaged. I love looking down at this ring that Daniel chose just for me. I love retelling the story of our engagement to each friend that asks. I love using the word fiance. I am trying to savor this time. I don’t want to look back on our wedding day and say, “Man, I wish I’d enjoyed engagement more”. I don’t want to make that mistake again. 

All this to say, if I could go back and tell a 25 year old me one thing about this relationship it would be, “Let go a little and just enjoy it. Enjoy each and every moment of it…the easy and the challenging. It all makes sense in the end.” I can’t go back though, all I can do is go forward with conviction.

Our relationships deserve our presence. To be with them as they are now. 

Think of a relationship that means a lot to you. Are you enjoying the current phase of that relationship? Could you be more present with where the relationship is now? How might this benefit the relationship?

“A great relationship doesn’t happen because of the love you had in the beginning, but how well you continue building the love until the end.” – anonymous. One way to continue building that love is through practicing presence now.