COVID – 19 : A lesson in humility

I thought I’d evaded it – that my diligence around taking my daily vitamins and ensuring I was getting plenty of sleep had made my immune system an impenetrable barrier. My boyfriend, whom I live with, had tested positive for COVID-19 seven days prior. Five tests later and I was still going strong with negative readings. 

On that seventh day though, a scratch developed in my throat. I convinced myself I had just coughed too hard … with lots of water it would surely resolve itself soon. That evening I went on a 30 mile post-work road ride that had my quads screaming. Knowing that my body seemed to be fighting something, I hadn’t really wanted to spend that much time on the bike. Still, I assured myself that a good night’s sleep was all I needed. 

When I woke the next morning I felt off…did I feel sick? I don’t know…I was tired and achy, but that isn’t abnormal the morning after a strenuous bike ride. I took another COVID test and it read negative. “Whew…it isn’t that” I thought to myself. But as the day progressed, my body temperature began to rise and I developed a low grade fever. My head screamed, eyes watering from the pressure building in my sinuses. My legs were throbbing and heavy. I laid down on the couch, succumbing to the fatigue. “These were the exact symptoms that Daniel experienced…” my mind whispered. 

The next morning I tested positive for COVID-19. Two years of dodging this devilish virus and it finally was able to dig its claws into me. 

Honestly, the first feeling I was left with upon having a positive test was a sense of relief. After two years of holding so much fear and anxiety around COVID-19, it had finally got me. I couldn’t avoid it now. No more running. I had it. I was sick. This relief was a privilege though – I fully trusted that my body was strong enough to fight the virus. I know that not everyone is afforded such faith in their immune system, and perhaps my own was even a bit naive. 

After the relief, came the sadness. The reality of a COVID – 19 diagnosis is isolating and almost always involves some form of loss. A week earlier, when my boyfriend became sick, we had to say goodbye to a weekend in Mexico with his family. Now, I had to give up the opportunity to attend a work retreat in L.A. that I’d been looking forward to for months. I also was met with several days of total isolation ahead of me. 

I was one of the lucky ones. For me, COVID swept through my system with vengeance but the severity of it was short lived. I had one bad afternoon – a fever, body aches and fatigue. From there, each day after I felt slightly better. By day 4 I was at about 80% of my energetic and physical capacity. 

A different kind of test…

It is funny to me that just last week I wrote of radical acceptance, because little did I know how much my ability to “radically accept” would be tested in the week to come. While I may have returned to 80% capacity within the span of just a few days, COVID slowed my body way down. I was tired. All I wanted to do was lie on the couch and to move at a glacial pace. And this felt okay…and it also didn’t. But I didn’t have the energy to fight it. I rested but also felt the need to set a timer on this rest. I narrowed down what I expected of myself, but still expected of myself. When people called, I told them how good I felt. And I did feel good, but I also felt crappy. But for some reason I felt compelled to tell them I felt good. After all, I wasn’t in the hospital. I felt sorry for myself as I was home alone and the rest of the world was out having fun. But I also was angry at myself for feeling sorry for myself, and I continued to try and convince  myself that, “hey this isn’t so bad”. My reality had been reduced down to the white walls of this house, while theirs expanded in a multitude of directions. And even though I was beginning to feel better, a little purple line on a stupid little test still divided us. I wanted to be able to accept my situation. I wanted to be able to lean into it. And yet, I mostly felt angry and alone. 

Isn’t this the test? How do we square up when the rubber meets the road? I can write of radical acceptance. I can write of acknowledging my own feelings, of monitoring my self-talk, of the importance of expressing gratitude…and I stand by what I write. But I also need to be able to recognize that I struggle to put my own words into practice. I know what is right, but I don’t always do it. And you know what? That is okay. It is okay that sometimes I repress an uncomfortable feeling and put on a brave face for someone else. It is okay that sometimes my self-talk is negative. It is okay that sometimes I write a list of everything that sucks, as opposed to all that is great. It is okay. 

I don’t intend to stay here…in this place of anger and sadness. But I also want to show you that it is okay to go there. Maybe, like me, you need that reminder today. Radical acceptance can mean that sometimes things just radically suck. They will get better though. I promise. It is a rollercoaster baby, remember? We go up, and we go down…and then we go up again. Let the tears fall, and then lift the chin back up. I am writing this as much for me as I am for you.

“Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water.”  Christopher Morley
This week, I encourage you to lift up the veil. Don’t pretend. Let “your belly hang over your jeans” as my writing instructor would say. Ask yourself, “What am I ignoring within myself? How can I make room to express this in a way that feels both genuine and kind?” Let’s make space for it all.