As Good As It Gets

Take a moment and ask yourself, “What if this is as good as it gets?” Does the thought depress you? Or, perhaps it inspires you. Depending on the circumstances of your life right now, the answer will vary. Your answer may be different today than it would be a year from now. After all, the one thing we are promised during our time on Earth is that things change – for better, and for worse. Life brings us up and life brings us down. My question is, how do we ride those waves of up and down while still maintaining a steadiness within ourselves? How do we keep ourselves from being swung about like a pendulum? 

Yesterday morning I woke up and, after nine hours of sleep, I found myself in a lovely mood. I spent time journaling and reading in my backyard as I sipped a cup of coffee. I practiced pilates and trimmed the rosebushes that line the exterior of our property, feeling very grateful for a relaxing morning at home. Daniel even commented, “You’re in an exceptionally good mood this morning!” And I was. I really was. 

But just a few hours later, I found myself spiraling in my mind. I had a few mishaps that morning that set me behind and unable to progress with a few of my to-do list items. As I sat on the couch, trying to focus on a coloring book page and a moment of rest, all I could think was, “You have so much to do and you aren’t doing any of it. Instead you’re wasting your afternoon away just sitting here on the couch”. Nevermind that I’d had a productive morning, the negative self-talk ensued. 

In an attempt to combat it, I got up and moved to my computer. I made a few edits to my blog’s homepage and “about me” section, but this only contributed to my feelings of self-contempt. “Why are you even writing this blog? You have nothing new to say. This blog will never be what you want it to be.”  I closed out WordPress in frustration, and then opened up Google Spreadsheet so as to work on my financial, fun and family goals (something I have been meaning to do for a while). This helped nothing, as my inability to really KNOW what I want for myself professionally in the next 5-10 years fueled thoughts like, “You have no ambition. You are so lost. Might as well accept life as it is because if you don’t even know what you want, then nothing will change. This is as good as it gets.” I wanted to cry. I wanted to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head (which in retrospect may have been a good idea as I was likely very tired, contributing to my down mood).

What happened? What shifted for me to go from feeling positive, upbeat and joyful to instead feeling negative, downtrodden and gloomy? What was the lightswitch?

I sometimes feel like I am on that pendulum and am unable to jump off…so attached to my current circumstances, or perception of them. When I am getting things done and seeing progress being made, I feel positive. When I receive praise or generous feedback, I feel upbeat. When things are going as I intended, I feel joyful. But when I am up against an obstacle, when I receive criticism or when life feels stagnant, I get pulled right back down. 

I am not suggesting we must expect to always feel positive, upbeat and joyful. But, what about steady? Is it possible to at least remain steady most of the time? To not be pulled into a place of such self-detest?

In Buddhism, the term Radical Acceptance is used to describe a person’s ability to “stop fighting reality, stop responding with impulsive or destructive behaviors when things aren’t going the way you want them to and let go of bitterness that may be keeping you in a cycle of suffering” [skyandtrail.org]. 

“Radical acceptance is the willingness to accept ourselves and our life exactly as it is. A moment of radical acceptance is a moment of genuine freedom.” -Tara Brach

That is what I strive for. To accept myself and my life as it is. To experience freedom. Not to stop striving for more, not to stop setting goals and dreaming, but to simultaneously accept myself and my life as it is today. 

The balancing of the two – acceptance and desire – that is a challenging feat. There are a few practices that I find support me in this effort: acknowledgement of how I am feeling and practicing peace around this, consideration of my self-talk (my internal dialogue), and the expression of gratitude. 

Acknowledge

I find it helpful to acknowledge how I am feeling as opposed to fighting the emotion. If I am feeling unmotivated and tired, perhaps the answer isn’t to try and motivate myself to do more. No, in that moment acceptance looks like allowing myself to rest – to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon. To remember that my energy and inspiration will return and I can continue to create and produce more then.

Tune In

When I really tune into the kind of thoughts I am entertaining about myself and my life, I can pretty quickly see where my current mood is stemming from. When I have one defeating thought about myself, more seem to flood in. It is as if my brain says, “Oh we are doing this today? I am ready!” But, when I am instead able to catch it early on and say, “No we aren’t doing this today! Or any day” I am spared a lot of negative emotion. Affirmations and meditations go a long way here. The practice of quieting my mind and shifting its attention on what is good about me and my life allows for me to remain more steady. 

Gratitude

Which leads me to my final practice – gratitude. The art of gratitude is crucial in one’s ability to accept the self and one’s life, and to truly experience freedom. There is always something to be grateful for, and taking the time to notice these things helps to keep one on solid ground, less affected by the changing winds. 

As was exemplified by my anecdote in this blog, radical acceptance is something that I desire to incorporate more of, not something that I have mastered. If you find your mood is riding a constant wave, deeply affected by current circumstances of the day, I encourage you to consider the following:

• How can I embrace how I feel right now, and love myself through it? 
• What is my self-talk right now? Can I shift this towards a place of love and acceptance?
• What is there in my life to be grateful for? 

My hope is that through asking and reflecting on these questions, you are better able to steady yourself. 
I leave you with this quote, “Accept – then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. This will miraculously change your whole life.” – Eckhart Tolle