Just a Friend – an SOS

“There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.” Thomas Aquinas

Making new friends as an adult can be difficult. Making new friends when just recently having moved to a new city can be especially difficult. This is a conversation that I have had with many of my friends who have relocated to a new city, perhaps even a new state, when in their late 20’s to early 30’s. Working remotely, having a busy family life, not having as many options in regards to clubs or team sports…these are all challenges presented to a young adult in search of building new friendships. 

I just returned to California after a month in Oregon, that was then followed by a three day weekend in Denver, Colorado. Over these last four weeks I was able to connect with many of my friends – some that I’ve known for over a decade, and others that I met just last fall. While in Central Oregon, I met up with one of my closest friends, a woman I have known for almost 20 years now (crazy that I can say that!). She just had her first baby, a beautiful girl. I was able to spend over an hour with her, sipping on a mocha while holding her child in my arms. Another friend and I, one I know from my high school cross country running years, met for a run around Bend’s River Trail. We filled one another in on the more recent happenings of our lives as we charged through the tree-laden trail. While in Colorado, I was able to enjoy a barbeque and brunch with numerous friends who have welcomed Daniel and I into their circle, even though we live 1,000 miles away and only see them a couple of times a year. This time with friends fills me up, it nourishes me, and reminds me that I have a community…I have many groups to which I belong. 

Moving to California was the right decision for me. The move has provided me with opportunities, positively impacting my life. My relationship with my partner has strengthened, I found a remote job working in the field that I desired to, and I have two amazing room-mates who I can now call friends. Still, I haven’t yet established that same sense of community that I have felt in Oregon or Arizona – the two other states where I have lived. When Daniel, or my room-mates are gone, I am left with a gnawing sense of loneliness. Not just alone, but lonely. I don’t yet have that girlfriend whom I can call up for an early morning run, or an end of the week glass of wine. That is something that I have always been fortunate to have, and it is important to me. 

Making friends as an adult presents certain challenges that simply weren’t there when one is younger. Through my teen years, my closest friendships were established both in school and through sports. Bus rides to games or cross country meets…working towards the same goal on a mud covered soccer pitch, or while running circles on a windy track…that is the stuff that bonds you. When I moved to Phoenix, Arizona, TFA brought a community to me. I was “in the thick of it” with other corps members, and because of this, I quickly developed lifelong friendships with women who were driven by the same fiery passion as my own. Those friendships sustained me and brought light to my life when I’ve needed it most. 

Now, as a 30 year old woman who has moved to a new city, I am trying to find my place. As we get older, more and more of our peers begin settling down with a partner and creating families of their own – a beautiful thing, and also one that limits a person’s time. On my end, I am no longer participating in club sports. I am not in school, surrounded by those with interests similar to my own. A clear path towards friendship is no longer built in for me. I am going to have to work a bit harder at it. Maybe even make myself a bit uncomfortable. 

While most of my friendships have developed with natural, organic ease, there are two important relationships in my life that instead came about from intentionally making myself uncomfortable. 

I met Daniel by allowing myself to feel a bit awkward, approaching him about a shirt he was wearing. “There is this cute guy, who is rock climbing, AND he has an Oregon shirt on”, I thought when I first saw him. I wasn’t going to let the moment pass me by…but it was a uncomfortable. I am so glad I faced that fear though, as we have been best-friends (and a bit more 😉) for the last four years. 

I met my friend Brooklyn at work, but our friendship was initiated by my own sending of an email (I didn’t know her phone number!), asking her if she’d like to meet me for a hike. Fortunately, she didn’t think my approach was too weird, and she said yes. Now I have yet another wonderful woman in my life whenever I go back to visit Oregon. 

Both of those events left me feeling  slightly awkward and uncomfortable, but brought me two incredible humans. Imagine if I hadn’t acted on that? 

I have spent quite a lot of time complaining to others about how hard it is to make friends as an adult, especially when one is living in an area where so many don’t appear to hold similar interests or lifestyles. Many of my friends share this sentiment. The complaint is justified and understood. Complaining isn’t actually going to get me (or any of them) anywhere though. 

While making friends as an adult isn’t easy, it also isn’t impossible. It does take effort, and I have laid out what that “effort” may look like for me:

I am going to find a yoga and barre studio that I like and then work to connect with women in this setting. I am going to join weekly runs with a running club here in Murrieta. I will drive to Carlsbad for bi-monthly group road rides with other women. I will keep an eye out on events that interest me – even if it means going on my own. I will even give good ole Bumble BFF a go! I vow to say “yes” as often as I can, unless my authentic answer really is a “no”; after all, it is hard to meet people when you are sitting at home on the couch (as much as I do LOVE that too). I am going to get a bit uncomfortable, perhaps even a little awkward, and put myself out there. 

You might be at a place in your life where you have a strong community of friends in close proximity to you. Congrats! Or maybe, like me, you desire to create this community. I encourage you to let that desire fuel you into action. Look for groups to join, events to attend, or apps to swipe through! Get uncomfortable. Get a little awkward. After all, what have you got to lose? And, in the meantime, continue to nurture the relationships you have already built, even when distance makes physical time together limited – that’s what Face-time is for! 

While it may feel like it at times – you aren’t really “alone”. You are part of something, loved by people – many people – somewhere. Just go out now and find more people to love, and to love you♥.