The “Run”away

As I sit to write this, I am feeling run down. My physical body is depleted, which leaves my emotional self raw and vulnerable. The events of the last couple of weeks – my Dad’s heart attack, followed by the school shooting in Uvalde, TX, have had me in tears at random moments, and I haven’t really allowed myself a lot of time or space to process my shock, grief and worry. Instead, when I feel these emotions coming on, I usually default to distracting myself with a new task or project. The emotions are still there though…waiting to be felt. Instead of releasing them, I have let them sit…resulting in the heavy, tired state that I am now experiencing. 

Many of us employ a variety of defense tactics when it comes to dealing with uncomfortable emotions. We don’t want to succumb to them, for a fear we will find ourselves stuck there – in the grief, the shock or the worry. For me, exercise is the biggest coping mechanism when it comes to avoiding difficult feelings. I exercise when I am anxious so as to release the nervous energy. I exercise when I am sad in order to stimulate the production of happy endorphins and boost my mood. I exercise when I am tired in hopes to wake myself up and gain more energy. Exercise is healthy, but at some point it can become problematic. At some point it is no longer contributing to the solution, but instead the problem. 

This past week I was feeling more fatigued than usual and in need of rest. Part of me wanted to lean into my body’s natural rhythm and invite more ease and time for reflection. Another part of me wanted to push on, to elevate my mood and energy levels with a run one day and barre class the next. If you know me, then you probably know that I chose the latter. 

On Sunday morning, Daniel and I woke up early and completed a 45 mile bike ride. Instead of allowing myself to sleep in and take the next day off, I pulled myself out of bed and into a HIIT workout, convincing myself that this “would be good for me”. 

On paper, many might read this and think, “Wow, that’s intense!” What I think when I write this is, “Wow, I am tired!”. I feel tired, sad, and anxious. All of those same emotions that I sought to escape through my outlet of exercise are still there … more heightened than before. 

The invitation to rest and reflect waits for me though. It is easy for me to do more; what I struggle with is doing less. I run myself into the ground through physical exertion all in an attempt to feel better. What I need is rest, but instead what I do is the opposite – I exert, I grind, I produce. 

Tonight I chose to accept the invitation. I pulled out my journal to write this blog and the words poured forth…the feelings being felt. I know that when I am done with this, I can grab my book and plop myself on the couch. Instead of getting on my spin bike, I can lose myself in a story. Instead of more abs, I can drink some tea and visit with my friends. I can turn the light out and head to bed early. 

Through this time spent writing, reflecting, I see how my own desire to remove the difficult emotion is instead leading me to experience even more of it…with an added sense of being totally exhausted and worn down. When I am open to the emotion though, when I sit with it and really consider what I need in order to process and then release that emotion, that is when I can let go. That is when I actually end up feeling better. 

I am sad about my Dad and afraid of one day losing him. I am devastated and outraged about what happened in Uvalde, TX. And, I am not sure how to help. That is where I have been this week. And that is okay. I needn’t run from it, but instead hold that and move through it. 

I imagine I am not alone in this inclination to avoid the more distressing emotions. My coping mechanism is exercise – for others it might be shopping, eating, not eating, sleep, numbing out with television or social media…the list goes on. We employ all sorts of tactics to avoid what we don’t want to experience. 

I think we all need to let ourselves stop and really feel more often. Instead of turning away from these emotions, we can meet ourselves where we are at the moment – cry when we are sad, sleep when we are tired, disconnect when we are anxious. It is challenging to meet ourselves where we are at, to ask “How do you feel?” and “What is it that you need?” And then to actually use those answers to guide us in our choices. But when we do, we may find that we have more energy to move through our day, more joy to share with others, and more peace in our minds. 

I encourage you to ask yourself those questions often, and honor what comes your way. It may be uncomfortable, as we are used to going against these emotions as opposed to with them. With time though, I strongly believe we will see the benefits of such an approach and then be left wondering why we weren’t doing this all along. 

As Deepak Chopra so eloquently puts it, “Instead of resisting any emotion, the best way to dispel it is to enter it fully, embrace it and see through your resistance.”