After two glasses of red wine, a bowl of raviolis, and a slice of cheesecake, I sat in my hotel bed feeling a deep sense of disappointment with myself…a sadness. I’d told myself I’d refrain from drinking on this trip (as it interferes with my sleep). I’d packed a bar of HU dark chocolate, intending to let this satisfy my craving for an after dinner treat, as rich desserts eaten right before bed can lead to bloating and some weird dreams. I know these things about myself and I’d written my intentions out in my journal, so why hadn’t I kept to them?
Right as the first tear began to slide down my cheek, my watch vibrated, indicating a text. I picked up my phone and read the words that had come in from a friend, “Would you mind sharing some tips on how you stay disciplined with the promises you make to yourself, or a habit you want to start/kick?” You have to laugh at the irony in this.
I am disciplined, though I certainly don’t keep all of the promises I make to myself. While I don’t want to beat myself up, it is important to note that the promises we make to ourselves are some of the most important to keep. It is through these kept promises that confidence is built, that your relationship with yourself is strengthened.
So why is it so hard to keep these promises? To start the new habit or drop one that isn’t really serving us anymore? There is a large amount of research in the field of psychology that explores these very questions. I am not going to dive into those studies here. Instead, I am just speaking to my own experience.
One of the reasons that I find these promises to be so hard to keep is due to the dramatic shift in thinking that this requires. Instead of seeing myself as a woman who uses two glasses of wine and a slice of cheesecake as medicine for a stressful work day, I have to see myself as one who, well, doesn’t. I have to shift my own perception around aspects of my identity.
Another factor that can impede my ability to change a habit is a lack of clarity around the reason why I want to change the habit. If I am not clear on my why, don’t like my why, or am not strongly motivated by my why, I am so much less likely to follow through on the new desired behavior.
Finally, if I am the only one who knows the promise I’ve made, then I’m the only one who knows that I broke it. It is a lot easier to break a promise when I can convince myself that I am the only one who will ever know. When someone else is holding me accountable, when someone else knows of the behaviors I aim to achieve, this provides added motivation. I am no longer alone in my efforts, but have the bolster of support from another.
Taking the above “challenges” and inversely turning them to “strategies”, how can we keep the promises we make?
Spend Time on Your Mind
What stories do you tell yourself about your life? Your behavior? The kind of person you are? Are those stories supporting the person you want to be? Or, are they holding you back? Remember – they’re just stories. Why not tell one that we like? Take the time to get your mind right, create a story that supports the keeping of your promises, and come back to this story again and again.
Know Your Why
Yes, we hear this a lot. Still, I think if we’re going to make a promise to ourselves it is really important that we have a strong “why” behind this promise. This “why” is something we can come back to again and again when we feel tempted to break a promise we’ve made to ourselves. For me, my “why” for not drinking as much alcohol comes from a desire to protect my health – supporting my liver, having deeper sleep, and lessening my anxiety. When I hold these reasons in mind, I am so much more likely to follow through with my commitment.
Tell Someone
If you’re going to make a promise to yourself, tell someone. You don’t have to face the challenges of life alone. Having someone to turn to when you’re about to go against your own word has been the strongest source of motivation that I’ve come across.
♥
When you make a promise to yourself, it is important that you do your best to keep it. Still, occasionally, you will probably break one of these promises…it happens. When it does, show yourself the grace and compassion you’d show a loved one. Reflect on the experience, use it as information, and then move forward and try again. With each promise that we keep, a piece of ourselves strengthens.
- What is a promise you’d like to make to yourself?
- How can you support yourself in keeping to this promise?
- Have you broken a promise to yourself in the past? If so, what did you learn from the experience? Can you show yourself grace and move forward?
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