To Put Me First

What does it mean for me to put myself first? To choose myself? 

I have been very critical of myself over the last month or so. I look in the mirror and I see only the extra flesh, the pale skin, the unwanted zit sitting right on my chin – all of which I have convinced myself falls short of that standard of beauty we are fed on a daily basis. I look at the status of my professional life and see all the ways in which I am falling short, all of the jobs that I have applied for with no response given. I look at my relationships and see all the people I am failing to call, to reach out to. When this is what I see, my impulse is to push harder; to add in a second workout, run a faster split, lift heavier weights; to apply for more jobs, take more courses, acquire more certificates; to call more friends, write more letters.

 But pushing harder, is that the way in which I put myself first? Is that choosing myself? I don’t think so. The reason I am pushing harder is due to a feeling that there is something wrong with me, that I am somehow falling short. That there is something wrong with my physical body, my professional life, my relationships. Yet is anything actually wrong? It is simply where I am in my life right now. I am only deeming it wrong because I believe there is something better to obtain. Maybe there is. Maybe there isn’t. Maybe I will look back on this phase in my life and wonder, why were you pushing so hard to get somewhere else?

So, if pushing harder isn’t the way I put myself first, then what is? What does choosing myself look like? To answer that, I tap into how I am feeling. 

I am tired. The world we are living in is a bit of an exhausting place. I feel depleted – emotionally and physically. I am sore – my muscles ache and don’t seem to be recovering as quickly as I am used to. I am feeling uninspired at times, a bit like, “what is the point?” Of course, these feelings change from day to day, but…that fatigue is more persistent than I’d like to admit. So while my impulse is to push harder in hopes that this will cultivate change, for me, right now, I know that by doing so I am not really putting myself first. 

Choosing me right now means choosing rest. It means more moments of ease. It means slowing things down and mothering myself a bit.

Right now what my body needs most is not, in fact, a second workout, but instead a walk in the sun or some soft yoga. Right now, what my mind needs isn’t to spend hours outside of work focused solely on applying to more jobs and working through more classes, but instead a moment spent in meditation followed by some time on the couch reading an enthralling novel. 

It is a bit counterintuitive for this achievement oriented woman, but right now putting myself first through rest and ease is to choose myself. Perhaps choosing myself is also the only way to make any real lasting change?

What about you? What would it mean to put yourself first right now? What would it mean to choose you? Not all day, not in a way that disregards those you love, but in a way that supports you through an attention to small moments and choices. 

Tap into how you feel and put your pen to paper. 

Putting myself first means….