I have spent a lot of time lately in a state of worry. As I approach a move to a new state, and begin a job search after a seven month work hiatus, the majority of my worry has been around whether or not I will be hired for a position. Catastrophizing is the best word for the thoughts that I have been entertaining, things like “You really shouldn’t have quit your job. You loved working remotely, good luck finding something like that again” or “Your money is dwindling because you are terrible with money. Soon you will have no money and then what will you do?!” even, “You very well could spend the rest of your life struggling to have enough money. Finding a job in a school you actually like could be incredibly competitive. You are certainly not qualified to venture out and do anything else. Why are you even trying!?”
As I have written before, I seem to be extremely susceptible to negative thoughts and self-doubt. I am certainly my own biggest critic. I know that such thoughts are unhelpful and just serve to bring me down, spiraling into a place of hopelessness, embracing the victim mentality.
When these are the kinds of thoughts that I am engrossed in, my emotional energy is quickly depleted and I move into a space of irritability, distraction and sensitivity. This, obviously, affects my relationships. Furthermore, when in a poor headspace, I tend to lean into activities and habits that provide a release – drinking more alcohol than usual, reaching for that extra piece of chocolate, numbing out with Netflix … things that provide comfort in the moment but lead to me feeling even worse in the long run. It becomes cyclical – the pessimistic thoughts lead to negative reactions and behavior, the negative reactions and behavior lead to more pessimistic thoughts.
I have seen this play out over the last couple of weeks – irritability with my partner when he is trying to offer up a suggestion to my catastrophe of the day (or hour); being distracted by the world unfolding in my little iPhone screen instead of engaging in a meaningful, present conversation with my Dad as we drive into town; taking a small joke made in jest as a personal affront on my overall character.
If my own thinking can lead me to be so cantankerous and exhausted, then why do I go down such a path in my mind? It brings me no real benefit. Yet, at the moment, it doesn’t feel at all easy to stop. The thoughts come in slowly, quietly at first – a whisper. However, if left unchecked, it quickly feels as though some awful, foreign creature has moved into my brain and has taken residency, calling the shots.
And therein lies the secret…checking the thoughts before the monster begins to descend. It is a CHOICE, albeit a choice that takes a lot of effort on my part. A choice to nurture thoughts that support me, that build me up, that acknowledge all that I have to offer. A choice to pursue activities and practices that support my emotional well-being. Even a choice to take care of my body in a way that stabilizes the biological mechanisms behind my mood.
A few days of alcohol, rich desserts, little sleep and a visit from auntie flo on the horizon, doesn’t really set me up for success. Especially when I am already feeling life stress. Add to that a neglecting of self care practices such as journaling, meditation and yoga, and you have a recipe for disaster. A couple of days of this is okay, but more than four and I really feel myself start to slide. And it is hard, as letting it all go can be so fun in the moment. But for me, the aftermath simply isn’t worth it.
As I mature in age and wisdom, I am learning how important it really is to take care of yourself. A rich, vivid life actually requires a certain level of discipline – a balancing act. Swing too far in any one direction and you will certainly notice it. For me, a tell-tale sign that I am off kilter comes in the form of the self defeating thoughts I start to indulge, and the tornado of chaos those thoughts create in the physical environment around me.
With Christmas approaching, my thirtieth birthday right behind it, and a big move advancing, my stress is definitely up. Hence the worrying that has been plaguing this last bit of time at home, in Central Oregon, this last bit of time with no job to report to. I would prefer to ENJOY this time, to savor, not to waste it stuck in a state of anxiety. In order to do so, I must check the thoughts that ebb and flow through me during the day. I must filter them and nurture only those that allow me to live from my highest self now. Not in the someday when all those worries have been solved and put to rest (for really, that is futile).
This is a season to be extra mindful of self care – not just for me, but for all of us. The holidays bring up a lot of emotion, some pleasant, and some more difficult. When we take care of ourselves, we can take care of others as well, we can show up for our life in a way that we are proud of. This is a season in which I can enjoy a glass of wine one evening, and a cup of herbal tea the next. I can stay up late with friends on a Friday, and follow that with a restful, early night on Saturday. I can keep my meals balanced and indulge in sugar with awareness, not as a means of escape. Social media can be put away, and I can just sit and watch a holiday movie sans distraction. Yes, in the moment, I will still feel that familiar pull to react, to let the creepy crawly thoughts of doom sneak in, but the discipline to sit with my choice and to really take care of myself, and in turn my thoughts, will pay off in the long run. Of that, I am certain.
With that, how will you take care of yourself this season?
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