Sometimes I just feel sad. I look to pinpoint what is wrong, something (or someone) to blame the sadness on. I try to distract myself from it, to self-soothe through it. And still it sits there, heavy. I tell myself that this is okay, some days just feel this way. The only way through it is, well, through it. Yet, I can hear this faint voice pushing its way to the surface of my consciousness, telling me, “but if you just did this one thing a little bit better, then it would all be alright. If you could just inch ever closer towards perfection, then, eventually, you wouldn’t ever feel this way.”
Perfection. I know it is in vain, but I find myself chasing after perfection again and again. I catch myself in thoughts of, “If I could just find the perfect routine, THEN maybe I could move through my day with bliss and ease. If I knew the perfect workout plan, THEN maybe I could finally be as toned, as fit, as strong as I want to be. If only I could look perfect, THEN maybe I’d feel confident in my own skin. If it was all just perfect, maybe then I’d feel worthy of the life I aspire to.”
The grounded, wise, part of myself knows that “perfection” isn’t what will lead to satisfaction…to happiness…to a greater sense of self-worth. No, it is an inner, exhausting, job that takes constant work and effort. I know that what they say about comparison being the thief of all joy is true. Perfection isn’t real; even the word “perfect” is subjective. What one may view as perfect another may find to be drastically imperfect. Still, despite this knowing, I feel trapped by my desire to be the perfect woman.
The other day I ventured out on a mountain bike ride with Daniel and a girl friend. Over the course of a five mile hill, Daniel and our friend grew steadily further ahead of me. I couldn’t keep up. And as they moved into the distance, rounding a corner so that I could no longer even see them, the negative self-talk began, “I am out of shape. How can I possibly be this out of shape? I have got to stop eating so much, got to stop drinking that second glass of wine. I bet SHE doesn’t do that. That’s why she is so much faster than me. Daniel must be so embarrassed that his girlfriend can’t keep up. What am I even doing on this bike? I should’ve stayed home. Obviously this isn’t the sport for me.” And with that, a beautiful fall ride in a forest of Oregon, has a dark shadow cast over it … all because I wasn’t as “perfect” as I wanted to be. Whereas, in reality, there was 3,000 feet of elevation gain – making for a very difficult climb. Our friend had done the hilly ride many times before and therefore was better equipped for the challenge. They weren’t miles ahead of me, but instead a mere 100 yards. In actuality, I had no business beating myself up to such an extent. My mind can be cut-throat.
This happens far too often, me spiraling into a pit of despair as I grasp at perfection. I pass a mirror and think, “Wow. Look how pale you are! And what is happening to your hair?” Self image plummets. I will apply for a job and days go by without any word from the employer. My mind negs, “You are incompetent and unqualified for that job. In fact, why did you even quit your job? You might never find one again!” I enjoy a rich meal with friends or family, and as my stomach pushes against the button of my jeans, I hear from within “Better get up early to workout because you did it again, you ate way too much and you’re getting fat. Why can’t you be more elegant – you know, sip on your wine and nibble the food… you’re disgusting.”
I would never talk to anyone else this way, and yet I speak like this to myself each day.
I want to feel self-worth, a quiet knowing that I am good enough just as I am right here, right now. Without all the accolades, without the physique, without my material world…I long to know that I am enough. And I know that I am the only one who can give myself this. I try to catch myself in the negative thoughts and to get curious – are these thoughts true? Are they serving me? No, and no. But I then try to soothe the thoughts by drawing up a plan to exercise more control. I tell myself, if I can just stick to this, then it will all be okay. That keeps me stuck. Yet again, thinking that if I just get it perfect, then everything will be perfect.
I want to soften my lines, but I don’t want to lose them entirely. I want to release expectations and yet still make new goals and move towards them. I desire to be accepting of where I am at without becoming stagnant and complacent.
How do I get out of this? The only answer that rings true to me is through deep self work. The kind of work that is tiring, that is trying, and that you have to come back to again and again, day in and day out. I can get out all of the insecurities, the longings to be more, on to a piece of paper and then leave them there. I won’t push them down, ignore them, but I also won’t feed them. Acknowledge the existence, and then move on. Then, for this day, I can accept that my life isn’t perfect, and it likely never will be. This is beautiful in and of itself. There is beauty in this imperfection, it is what makes this life my own. There are things I am going to do well, and things that I will want to do better. This is okay. Where I am today is neither good nor bad, it is simply my thinking that makes it so. I can direct more of my focus towards the process, rather than the outcome. I can be and become simultaneously.
Maybe then I will meet myself as I am today, embracing this beautiful woman that is here now. Maybe I will realize that she is already who I have spent all this time and energy longing to be.
If you struggle with perfectionism and the self-criticism that accompanies it, then the following prompts may be worth exploring:
- How can you respond to the expectations that you’ve placed upon yourself, the criticisms, the demands, with love and grace?
- What is your perfectionism covering up? What are you truly afraid of? What is it there to protect you from?
- How can you enjoy the process of this life as opposed to pouring so much energy into the outcome?
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