How do you create the life you most desire? How do you narrow down what you want and work towards it with conviction? I have been mulling over these questions lately. I don’t want to approach these questions with the mindset of “something is wrong with me; I am broken and need to be fixed.” Instead I want to come at it from a place of “who is the woman that I envision as the highest version of myself? What is the life I desire to lead? What traits and qualities in others do I admire and want to emulate?”
Over the last three weeks I have spent very little time alone. For ten days I was with a friend, traveling from Oregon to Utah and back again. Directly following that, I flew to Colorado to be with my partner. I write this because I find it is much easier to show up for myself, to sit and spend time contemplating the above questions that I posed, when I am alone. Sticking to a routine, carving out time for reflection, maintaining the habits I know serve me, is much easier when I am in solitude.
Other people are out of our control, unpredictable. When around others there can be so much noise, movement and competing interests. For me, being around others also has a way of highlighting the parts of myself that I am not all too proud of. Being around others can have the effect of taking me out of myself; I tend to question myself more, to doubt my words and actions.
I don’t handle feedback as gracefully as I’d like. This is something I am working to improve. I hate being told that I did something wrong, or that perhaps someone else’s way of doing something is more logical or sound than my own. When traveling with another human, it is likely you will receive some form of “feedback” eventually. I almost certainly WILL be told that I could have “done something differently”. I am prone to take this as an affront to who I am as a person, and not for the mere suggestion around my performance of a particular action that was intended.
I want others to see me as perfect, to, dare I say, adore me. I long to be put upon the pedestal that I place others upon. Alas, no one is perfect – we are all flawed human beings doing our best to make sense of this crazy life. The quest for perfection is futile. Still, I struggle to fully accept this truth and break free of my perfectionistic, people pleasing tendencies. This leaves me feeling hazy and confused when considering the questions of “who is the woman that I envision as the highest version of myself? What is the life I desire to lead? What traits and qualities in others do I admire and want to emulate?” How do I answer these from a place that is true to me and not from what I think will make me more admirable to friends, family and strangers.
Being in the presence of another results in me spending precious energy wondering what others are thinking about me. Thoughts like, “Does he think I am attractive? Does she see me as intelligent and successful? Does he see me as incompetent, dull, or undeserving of him?” will run wildly through my mind. In contrast, when alone, with just myself as the standard, I almost always feel like I am enough. I see my beauty. I am able to relax enough to hear my own yearnings and lean into them. I feel more inspired by my dreams and the work I am doing to move ever closer towards them. I move at my own rhythm and manage to take what feels to me, like worthy steps, towards the life I am working to build. When alone, I question the person that is ME less.
I don’t want to spend all of my days alone, in total isolation from the world. I appreciate solitude and see it as an opportunity for me to recharge and refocus. At the same time, I wouldn’t trade a 10 day vacation with my best friend, or several months of traveling with my partner. What I want is to achieve a balance where I can nurture my own needs, replenish my body and spirit, WHILE also in the presence of others. I would like to find a way to maintain my rhythm regardless of my environment; to connect with my innermost desires and show up as the woman I dream of being, creating the life I imagine for the highest version of myself. I want to do this each day.
But how?
As I mentioned, I am a people pleaser; I want to be seen as easy going and flexible, relaxed (though I know that many do NOT see me as such). Asking to be alone, expressing a desire for quiet time that can be used to meditate, read or write is difficult for me to do. I am afraid that I will be viewed as difficult, rigid, or isolating. Requesting solitude in the midst of what others may view as a fun and social moment, has the potential of upsetting those around me. I also don’t want to miss out on the action. I question if by abiding by my own routines I could in turn push others away.
Concurrently, I know that when I continue to just “let the day take me where it will” I grow lethargic, disconnected and cease to make progress towards what matters to me. My routines and practices ground me. They are worth creating boundaries for. It is worth having more confidence around asking for what I need in order for me to feel like I am living in my sweet spot.
I can be fully present for a conversation, an outing, an intimate moment, and ALSO be fully present with and honor the moments where I need to escape the noise, the movement, the energy and to just be alone. In fact, I think the two must co-exist.
I have a little less than a month of traveling with my partner, sharing a space of 60 square feet, bouncing from one driveway to the next. During that time we will see many of our closest friends, visit some beautiful places and engage in numerous thought provoking conversations. This time on the road is intended to be a period of adventure, while also providing for me to move closer to understanding myself and the direction I want to move next. For both to transpire takes discipline and an ability to go with the flow. It requires that I be disciplined enough to carve out the space I need each day for me; space to write out my anxieties and fears, and then consider the vision I hold for the day ahead; space to meditate, to slow down and pay attention to my breath; space to hear my body, my heart and to then act in a way that honors this internal wisdom. Simultaneously, it requires an ability to flow with what the day brings – be it a spontaneous day trip to the mountains for a bike ride, or one two many glasses of wine shared in the company of close friends. If I hold too tightly to either extreme then I forfeit the benefits that come from holding room for both.
In order to fully thrive, we must act from a place of intention. To create myself – not to fix what isn’t broken – I require time alone, attention to the habits and routines that serve me. I think we all do.
At the same time, others are a gift in our lives; community is essential to wellbeing. Some of the best moments we experience are those that we share with loved ones. In order to know myself better, it is important that I nurture this relationship with me. This comes from time spent in quiet, in stillness. In order to live a rich life, it is important that I nurture my relationship with others, to laugh, to give, and to love with intensity. I will do my best to make time for myself each day. But when the day ends and I am left with that nagging feeling of, “where was I in all of that?” I will practice grace and remember that tomorrow is a chance to start again. With that, I encourage you to consider where you could maybe create more space for yourself to nurture the relationship with the one who will always be with you, while also tending to the loved ones who enrich your life.
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