Transition: the process, or a period of, changing from one state or condition to another. While necessary, transitions can be challenging. Transitioning from life on the road to being back in Oregon, with time at my disposal, has been no exception. Similar to the passing of the holiday season, or the end of a much anticipated occasion, the come down from the last 5 weeks leaves me feeling a bit choked with grief. I know that these feelings are normal, expected in fact, but that doesn’t mean that I welcome them.
Our minds, the thought patterns that we move through, are fascinating. While on the road, bouncing from place to place, there were plenty of moments where I’d silently wish to myself that I could be back “home”. I would miss the stability of a house to return to at the end of the day, I’d miss my family and friends, I missed being able to maintain the routines that ground me. Now that I am home though, I am missing the excitement of life on the road – nights where I wasn’t sure where we’d be sleeping, discovering the next city’s best outdoor attractions, the constant stimulation that accompanies being surrounded by 20-something-year-old men. I miss having my best friend at my side. The irony isn’t lost on me; I often miss exactly where I am not.
Why is it so challenging to enjoy the moment we are in – to find some semblance of joy and beauty in all the various seasons of life that we move through? I know that some are better than others at living in this way, yet I have a strong feeling that this is a condition that affects many of us…at least once in a while.
When caught in the tornado of “the grass must be greener somewhere else”, my immediate inclination is to “fix” the situation that I am in. I convince myself that if I can just plan enough friend dates, schedule my day full of activities, distract myself with busyness, then I will feel better. All of the mentioned are healthy outlets, and the busyness, the distracting, it does work…at least temporarily. The problem is, the sadness – the discontent – isn’t actually gone. I have just numbed myself from feeling it. The second that things slow down, it will be there waiting.
I am beginning to realize that the only way to break free from this “grass is greener somewhere else” mindset, is to actually sit with what I am feeling, as uncomfortable as that may be. I don’t need to pinpoint what caused it, why it is there, or try to figure out what I could change to make it go away. Instead, I can just acknowledge its presence…the reality of it. I can notice where the feeling is taking hold in my body. I can show myself some grace, trusting that it is okay to feel it all.
When I allow myself this space to feel, I can still go about my life – finding the charm, the allure, and the satisfaction in what is. I can see the friends, read the books, write the words … not from a place of distraction, but instead conscious intention. Choosing things that lift me up and finding the beauty in the simple moments amidst the pain. Nothing needs to change. I just feel the way that I do, and it will pass. I don’t need to add to my suffering by trying to find the WHY behind the feeling, to point a finger at something (or someone) as the source of discomfort. I also don’t need to distract myself with lists of what I can do to escape the momentary ache in my heart. No; just see it, feel it, and then continue to purposefully choose the things that add meaning to my days and bring me closer to the life I envision for myself.
I will be back to adventuring with Daniel again before I know it. Right now though, I am home. I have the gift of time with my parents – something that grows ever more important to me as I get older. I am in a beautiful place, surrounded by some of my closest friends. I have days wide open to me, days that I can spend continuing to develop my voice as a writer, and pondering the sort of life I want to be crafting for myself. This is beautiful. This isn’t just enough, it is abundance.
Sad days will come. There are also days where I feel pure joy for no real reason. That is life. I want to cultivate the awareness to enjoy the gifts of each day regardless of the emotion I may be sitting with.
So instead of the “the grass is greener somewhere else” what is green about the grass upon which you are standing today?
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